Anniversaries are days that we remember which mark an important milestone on the journey.  Some are more etched in our minds than others. As I practiced today, I remembered Oct 4^th 2004 was the day I signed my divorce papers. It was a painful year letting go of the idea I had in my head about how my life was supposed to go. The end and the signing were uneventful.

Earlier that same morning I went to Starseed to practice Mysore Style Ashtanga Yoga. My teacher at the time was sometimes gruff with me in a very playful way. I was a serious student although I had a lot of obligations raising twin boys and their younger brother which may have made my attendance somewhat irregular.  I had a full time job in my family business, a huge house on the hill, I traveled for work, managed the household which involved childcare professionals along with holiday and vacation planning. In addition, the boys were involved in many activities.  I loved yoga and my practice which pretty much took the place of what I had done previously at the gym.  It seemed like this was going to be a good fit. My family sort of tolerated it. Some said all I cared about was going to yoga. It seemed my obsession with working out truthfully turned to obsession for yoga and getting adjusted in postures. I had to miss yoga when I traveled for work but I remember being as regular as I could be back then. 

That day during practice, I forgot a bunch of poses.  I don’t think I even understood that I was supposed to remember them.  My teacher came over and told me “Go to backbends”.  I was not happy about this, however as I was a good student I did what I was told knowing full well that a whole slew of poses would not get done that day. The interesting part of this is what was happening in my mind. My mind went to what I was going to do that day and I judged the teacher as having no idea of what I was going through and that I was getting divorced today. That justified anger slipped in as well as a story in my head. Later, in the foyer after practice, everyone happy to have practiced, he suggested I purchase two of the books he had which were the Yoga Mala by Sri K. Pattabhi Jois and Astanga Yoga by Lino Miele. I was all in. I cannot remember if I read them right away but there was little to discourage me. I was strong and so was my teacher. He taught me by putting me in postures and being stern in such a way as to be encouraging. The rest is a long history.

The transformational aspect of the yoga practice cannot be denied. Today when I ended my practice I could feel emotions swelling up behind my moist eyes. I have compassion for that younger woman who tried so hard to keep it all together in a neat box. I am forever grateful to those lessons in the studio, in relationships with others, with my kids (now adults) and how we all are getting through.  We did not just get through, we each dug deep wells and we grew from that. I always believed that the yoga practice does not lie to us. How I look at this is that we have to meet ourselves physically on the mat to get to the heart of the matter to get to what is happening in our minds. I surely put the importance of individual postures before the understanding of a series and how I felt at the end. Today, I look at ways the practice feeds me so that I can be my best self and be the best in my relationships. I’m a grandmother now, experiencing joy at every corner, feeling whatever I feel without being sorry about it, accepting what is even as I modify my practice. I know things will get harder, changes will keep coming and I will have experiences that will continue to shape me. It never ends.I know I cannot be afraid to feel and what else but to love deeply. 

There are no shortcuts.  Every experience on the yoga journey and the life journey are part of us and that is what molds us.  The postures build off each other but you can’t let them hold you back either. There is much to learn moving thought the sequence and getting to the end.  How was the ride?  Maybe some bumps but then you arrive.  Practice, like life, has some bumps in the road.  How are we going to handle them and how are we going to let them shape us.  We are what we practice: Find JOY, Practice JOY on and off the mat. I think perhaps we are supposed to have FUN. No one could have told me to do it differently. The experience has to come from within. It has to come from the heart.

I’m thinking about this freedom we have been able to experience in the west and offer so much gratitude to those who have fought for it. This year we also reflect and honor the healthcare professionals and essential workers who are enabling us to be safe in this current time of crisis. I feel the lift today and it even feels a little like a holiday, although I know that so much has changed. It’s so sad to think about loved ones lost and perhaps how things may have been handled differently. We keep fighting the fight against the unseen enemy.

I am thankful for being able to see my family, friends and students so often in a new way. We have gotten close and it’s the pulling together that makes this happen. Although everyone’s boat is different we continue to share compassion and love. We have to keep reminding ourselves that our perceptions will always be different and let’s agree that we will not always agree. I’m grateful for my teachers, for being able to share what I learn and for the opportunity to experience this life.

Currently I can be found on the AYM Zoom Room teaching. I am also studying yoga techniques, chanting with my teacher KIki as well as incorporating other movement modalities which I enjoy. I am embracing the opportunity to study, grow and evolve into the best version of myself, pick myself up when I am down and to be in continual acceptance of this life, one breathe at a time.

When I returned from India in April of 2017 I slowly fell apart and I stopped writing. Truth is, I was falling apart for a while. Physically I was experiencing a tremendous amount of pain in my shoulders. Long story short, I could no longer hold my body weight and to top it off moving in my daily life got worse as time passed. My practice was failing me and I turned to Western Medicine and opinions. I was diagnosed with RA and an X-Ray showed severe arthritis in both shoulder joints. I continued to teach in the Mysore room, however adjustments that were standard were causing me pain. I had some assistants at the time so that was helpful as they could do what I would instruct them to do. I felt really old and the pain depleted me.

Flash forward to Feb 2018, I ditched the medications that shut my immune system down and sought a doctor that would work with me on my diet as well as the right combination of supplements and a body worker that convinced me it was all a postural misalignment. It took a while for me to even consider slowing down. He told me to stop. What he meant was to stop doing anything that caused any pain. I practiced Ashtanga’s greatest hits in a supported way staying close to the floor and modifying nearly everything. Just raising my arms for the first breath in the practice caused pain. Top teachers gave me wonderful suggestions however it took a lot of time for this to pass.

The turning point was Postural Alignment Therapy from the Egoscue method which my bodyworker recommended. We went over the exercises in the book called, Pain Free, and I agreed I would do them daily. I did them so that I could practice, so I could teach and so I could move in my life. In August of 2018 I went up to a specialist in the Egoscue method and we worked on a new menu which was an enhanced series of postural exercises geared to a hip pulling my shoulder forward. This is a simplified version of a condition that presented itself in my physical body. Muscles that were supposed to work to lift my arm sort of quit as I could not access them due to the pain.

Today I practice daily and it is good. It’s not perfect and I modify postures so my practice is always a healing one. I feel pain free in my daily life and for this I am relieved. It took an incredible amount of patience and working properly to start to feel better. I feel stronger and no longer feel depleted. Practice gives me energy and gives me strength. I still do the postural work which I love as it strenghtens areas that are weak. I approach practicing yoga for healing, for strength and for peace of mind. It’s important for me to move; to dance, to walk , to ride bikes, to swim and to practice. I am grateful for the healing and feel blessed to be walking on the path.

I remember the day in New York when I was in the led class with Guruji very clearly.  It was nearly 11 years ago. I had been practicing Ashtanga for a few years and I had recently come home from a business trip where I hurt my back and had to go to the ER to get my muscles to relax. I had an x-ray and was sent home with a prescription for Valium and Percocet. No diagnosis, just that my lumbar spine was pretty flat and what they did for me should relax the muscles that would not release. I was practicing in my hotel room and threw my back out when I mindlessly threw my legs up for headstand. It was very painful and I knew nothing of why this would happen or how to get back.  When I got back to my home studio I actually wrote my teacher and told him I was going to take some time off. Basically I was going to do restorative and spend my time, money and energy in restorative sessions with another master teacher.

I did not want to quit but I was in pain. My Ashtanga teacher at the time was pretty fixed on regular practice and that the practice can heal you. The way I understood what he told me was that my issues may be something with the emotional body and that I may be holding onto some past trauma. I was taught to trust in something bigger than myself and to respect the primary series.   I don’t think you can teach someone to have faith however my teacher who had a ton of faith in the practice, influenced me. He went onto explain to me that I needed to understand that it is a big practice and that I would have to ease back in slowly. This to me was not how I did things when I first started. I did not really know how to do things less than 100%. I had to learn and I continued.  Also practicing the led class in the city seemed like a big deal and although I was hesitant, I went.

Fast forward to today. As usual, I started my day in the Mysore room at AYM teaching. I dressed, but then I thought to myself, where is that shirt? Something was pulling me to find it. I dug around and found it. It’s a shirt that says, “Guruji lives here” across the chest.  Later in the day I was sitting in my car and saw Eagle’s post about Guruji and the dates. I did not know that today is the anniversary of Guruji’s passing and I looked down at my shirt and smiled.  Charles Secallus encouraged me to practice with Pattabhi in NYC those 11 years ago and I am forever grateful and feel blessed to have ventured on the path and to have had that opportunity to meet him. Since those days, I have met so many wonderful lineage holders of this tradition over the years and each one has left an impression on me that I carry in my heart. They say that all who practice this tradition carry Guruji in their heart. Practicing Ashtanga yoga is the tool that has helped me in the best and worst of times. Today I pause and am grateful to the practice, the way he taught it and all the seeds he planted who have turned into some pretty awesome teachers and lineage holders. Thank you Guruji for giving me my voice through all I have learned and continue to learn and a practice that will keep unfolding. Keep moving, keep breathing and do your practice. “Practice and all is coming”-Pattabhi Jois

I have been thinking a lot about what keeps people coming back to the practice.   Truth be told, I have been thinking about why I continue to do so too.  What makes us continue with the things that we struggle with and how do we deal with the journey that is not always an easy one, be it mentally or physically.  I am reminded that this asana practice is a tool for me to stay balanced and let it be the hardest thing I do so that life off the mat is met with equanimity and joy.  When I looked for things to be easier, I was mistaken.  The effort keeps changing and the only limits are the self imposed limitations in my mind. Even with physical limitations practicing yoga is about settling the chitta and not how the asana turns out. The practice is our blueprint. I come back time and again to the dedication, determination, discipline and devotion that is required to us to have a long time journey with the Ashtanga practice which Sharath has spoken in conference time and again.  I also come back to the fact that I have faith in something bigger that myself and see the transformation effects of the practice in myself and others I teach.  There is trust and with trust there is love.  We need to take care of the temple.

I remember being at the juice bar and having conversations about this with people who have been exposed to the method, who say “oh yeah, I’ve done Ashtanga Yoga, but I do ______ now.”  (insert whatever you like here.) They wanted to know why I do it every day.  Instead of coming up with an explanation that would not be easily understood in a brief encounter, I said “It’s what I do.  I practice daily just like I brush my teeth.”  In reality I never understood why runners could run everyday without a big explanation but that I got on my mat and did my practice created a “WOW” effect only because it was a daily *sadhana.

*Sadhana means daily spiritual practice. It is the foundation of all spiritual endeavor. Sadhana is your personal, individual spiritual effort. It is the main tool you use to work on yourself to achieve the purpose of life.

There is certainly a honeymoon period with the practice that can be as little as a month to years.  So what happens after the honeymoon?  What happens when you feel something, a new sensation or even pain.  Do some people get bored and leave.  You blame it on the room, on the teachers who give too much attention or not enough.  I can seriously say that every day I learn something on the mat no matter where I am and no matter how much attention I get. It could be a simple shift in an emotion or thoughts that are easy to let go of or I can see what I am holding onto.    When people say that they don’t have time and have lots of excuses, my thoughts go to the fact that life somehow makes room for the practice if we want it to.

So herein lies the question to be answered in one or two sentences for inspiration. Please email to [email protected]

What keeps you coming back to the mat? 

I keep hearing Sharath in the back of my mind as he repeats “Yoga is 24/7”. What does that truly mean and how can we relate to this? We understand that we cannot only be good yogis on the mat and that we need to carry what we learn in yoga into our lives.  When we are happy all day and compassionate to others, does that cut it? Does that mean the yoga is working in our life? I suppose it certainly is a start.

I like being happy.  Who doesn’t ? It’s great to be in a good mood with everything going your way.    Unfortunately, happiness is a fleeting emotion and we recognize this. We take the good stuff with the challenges and disappointments. We understand that we would not be able to recognize happiness if not for sadness.   I thought about my weekend and plans that a friend was trying to make to reconnect.  I thought this would be so nice and then an hour later got another message that it was not going to work out.  It’s not like I feel nothing but I’m okay with letting it go and hoping for when it does work out.

I remember when I wanted 8 days in the week and I would be happy when (just insert any thought that pops in).  It was in the early days of practice when I was a full time working mother and a wife and took up a yoga practice.   Life was FULL which is only a nice was to say I was busy.  Being busy took me away from me however.  Being busy was just a mask to show how accomplished I was and how much I could take on. Always looking for purpose and recognition. One year I was a working mother with 4 year old twins and a new born and took up being the co-president of the preschool.  I loved the challenge and thrived on it.  I look back on this and say, “that lady was crazy”.  I forgive her as yoga did not find her yet.

Yoga ruined my life and saved me.  Yoga has taught me how to be a more balanced person.  It doesn’t matter when we come to the practice or when we find it but it will ruin the old version of you.  The version that you thought you were.  My version was the person that was run by their emotions.  I liked happy and an organized life.  When the sad and chaos struck or anything another other than happy it was not very pretty.  I see glimpses of this woman and then I come back to the lessons that yoga has been teaching me.  How to be the seer and how to let go.

Today I meditated with my dad.  Five minutes before we did some yoga poses and five minutes at the end of practice.  He had some pain so we had to go lightly on the poses and I figured he came to the studio to do some yoga so I turned to sitting and watching the breath.  We timed each meditation session and we did it!  I have to say that it was one of the best sessions yet.  He asked me again, why I do all this. All the yoga, everything yoga.  He sort of pokes fun at me and asks again why I need this.  I tell him it makes me a more balanced person. He nods and slowly he is understand or accepting.  In any event he keeps showing up on the mat and does what he can and even now the sitting quietly with the breath is not a big deal. He is seeing how this yoga can work in his life too at 77.  I’m really proud of him and all my students who put themselves out there every day to lead more balanced lives.

The quote from my Yogi Tea bag from today fits nicely, as always.

I’m happy that Thanksgiving gives me an opportunity to stop and be reminded to be thankful.   I can say that I am grateful and thankful, but to tell you the truth sometimes it’s just not the first thing you think about when things may not be going your way or, I’ll just say it, as expected.   It’s a process of letting go of the outcome and how you think it’s supposed to be. I’ve been taking action these days, preparing for positive things and setting the stage. That action that I’ve been taking feels like it’s got this cool ripple effect and it’s bringing about change and something very powerful.

I’m really impressed on how the practice is working in the lives of many people that have been coming to AYM. The beauty of fellowship and caring that I have seen and felt among the practitioners of all levels is impressive especially this week being Thanksgiving and holiday time.   Many of the practitioners seem to be in it together. They don’t know each other deeply . . . yet . . . but they are in it together. When you call it fellowship I sort of think that it’s so much more than that. The oneness that is experienced in the room of people breathing and practicing is more than fellowship. Each person feels a sense of gratitude for coming to the practice. They want to be there, they want to practice and they want to be part of something bigger than themselves. I’m so grateful to have these students come and share their energy with others. I believe it’s that energy that is lifting some people up. We don’t know what is going on in each others lives for the most part but whatever each is doing, I am thankful that this practice has an enabling effect, has a grounding effect, gives confidence and has the ability to radiate out something powerful to ourselves and back out to each other and in our relationships.

It’s funny when you have love to share, you see more and more clearly, the love, compassion and kindness everywhere around you. What a great mirror!

P.S.  By the way I’m thankful for my three beautiful grown sons, my family-immediate and extended, my friends both old and new (meaning old in length of time, not age :)), my dogs who show me unconditional love and love me the most, my path that has led me to share the practice, my teachers C-Ray and Timji for some most recent discoveries and for this time getting to learn from Sharath and you know the list just goes on and on right now.

Namaste!

I feel loved today and for that I am so thankful and very blessed.  I have to say that I don’t have many expectations these days on the anniversary of my birth however today I was very happy, genuinely happy as to the direction of my life.  I get up pretty early and it’s a regular schedule but for some reason there is a spring in my step and I feel peaceful. I go to meet the vegetable delivery guy, Bob, and he blurts out “Happy Birthday”.  I’m a little stunned but I like it.   It’s a fun and easy exchange to start me on my day.

The studio is gearing up as always with Hillary setting the stage.  She rocks the intermediate series like no other and continues to try new things.  I enjoy watching her progress as well being inspired by her practice. She sets the pace every morning for sure.   The students at AYM totally inspire and amaze me.   After the chant they all blurt out a round of Happy Birthday!  Crazy but fun.  Ganesh is wearing a party hat and there is a sign on the board with the word LOVE in it and there are cards, gift bags and a new coffee mug.  And it’s just 6 am!

Every smile and exchange that I had today was so pleasant. I think when you are happy, open and receiving people feel it and something taps into them to make them feel good as well.  The yoga brings us all together in the rooms but seriously this is not an easy practice.  There are physical demands, mental demands and then there are those judgements you just have to leave at the door.   The self doubt, the comparisons and the questioning.  Oh yeah and don’t forget about FEAR.

Today was different and I felt different.  At I mentioned before, I felt peaceful but it was more of feeling at ease.  Learning not to rush, not to have the continual worry mind chatter and to stay in the present was the key for me today.   As I look back on the two sessions that I taught and the exchanges throughout the day I felt present.  As a teacher there are a lot of demands in the room.  Even if some of them are self imposed by yours truly they are there and this can cause stress.  But today I practiced yoga and for that I am grateful.  It was honest and there was a “union” or a coming together that I noticed in my actions and my mind and when I needed to, I paused.

I continue to trust that I am exactly were I am supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason.  The faith for some reason just keeps getting stronger and I finally feel wiser today.  Who knows about tomorrow but every day I step on the mat I step there with new eyes so that I can learn something new about the essence of myself.   Trying to let go, to drop the rope and to breathe.  I encourage people to do the same.

So we have heard the saying, ‘the Universe is testing me” and I guess I use this a lot.  Zach wrote on his card, “The Universe may be testing you but I think you are going to pass with flying colors”.  I am proud of the people around me, from my boys, my family – mom, dad, step mom, sis .  . . , to my students, my special apprentice, my old friends and new friends to the random people I come into contact with.  Thank you all for the beautiful thoughts, birthday posts, text messages, calls, birthday cards and sweet gifts.  The gift of your presence was all I needed and I got so much more.  Feeling overwhelmed but for the first time not crazy emotional and taking it all it as I need to.  I feel well FED for a wonderful year ahead.

Namaste all!

Deb

The hills and valleys of the practice.  Do you know them?  Can you sort of feel where you are?  I remember when I was biking through the hills of Tuscany some time ago.   It was a really cool trip and I there were these rides that we would set out to do everyday.   We did not know the routes and they were different every day but you knew there would be hills to climb.  I don’t want to get into that here but I was thinking about Ashtanga and the journey it takes, those hills and then being in the valley or just going straight and riding along sort of enjoying the scenery.

This Ashtanga journey, or lets say ride for fun, is different for everyone and then again there is a lot that we all can relate to.  Right now for me practice is exciting.  I figured out how to breathe better (thank you netti pot) and I feel ready.  I feel ready to sort of see where it goes without expectation nor fear.  You see I have these spots in the practice that I would like to gloss over and those spots I come up every day and I am trying to figure out how to get the fearing out of it.  So attention to my breath and the asana that I am on, in other words, staying in the present, seems to be working for me.  Oh yes and being mindful of my drishi and for me I have to M.Y.O.B  This last thing is pretty helpful as well. These days I’m feeling an ease with the practice and a certain ease with the spots in the practice, those asanas, that I thought I could do without.  They are becoming my sweet spots in practice, they are becoming my friend.

I know the valley very well too and the times when you are tired and you can’t breathe any better and you can’t do any better and you just want to feel better and more at ease with it, with practice, with life even.  I’ve been frustrated, annoyed and angry with practice, with circumstances, with myself and others.  It is not easy.  It is not easy to stay with something and ride it out especially something that you could say I’ll do it tomorrow or maybe I just won’t even do this anymore and then the mind starts this justification process.  The mind is pretty powerful and will convince you that what you are thinking is right!  What’s is all for anyway? I am not going to go into the standard things we tell ourselves, that’s been written before and is nothing new.   What I love about this and practice is that you can relate this to other things happening on your life journey.

I see people in the valley and I see people at the top and all in between. Just like life we have to ride this out.  For me the answer is in getting on the mat and feel where you are, experience where you are and accept where you are, the circumstances . . . everything.  Acceptance is the key as without this you cannot move beyond anything and that’s when we get stuck.  So for now, know that for every uphill ride we make there is a downhill and go slowly on the downhill, pay attention and enjoy the ride for:

“Chi va piano va sano e va lontano” . . . (that’s italian for “one who goes slowly, goes healthy and surely over a long time” – anyway that’s my translation for it)

I’ve been feeling very grateful these days and I am starting to feel what it may mean to fully embrace Ashtanga yoga.   For one thing it does not seem to be so easy, but surely this is worth every effort.  I raised my kids while I tiptoed on the path, diving in at times and then feeling that I could only do what I could do, pulling back just enough to make it right.  It was a delicate balance back then and this was before I knew about the layers I would start to peel away.  What would it mean to “embrace Ashtanga”?  To put it simply, it’s getting on the mat, doing your practice and letting go.  It means learning very day when you are on the mat and off the mat.  It means facing the difficulties in the practice in a way that this yoga is teaching me to do and then bringing it into your life.

These days I have become aware of what is possible with what I’ve got and to also find ways to change and grow.  Embracing Ashtanga is to be patient with oneself, to be persistent in what you want to do, not be be hard on yourself and to bring your best self to the mat every day.   It is a practice that does not lie to you and surely there are no shortcuts.    There is a community that is more like family these days and a built in oneness among practioners.

Today I came up against what I could do and what I wanted to do.  I worked very hard to stay in the present and stay with the breath.  I would like to skip those things that are difficult and cause me to stumble.  I also know that it is through the stumbling that I can continue to grow and continue to embrace the practice.  I love the poses and there are days when I love going to the edge.   It is that edge that can keep moving as you grow.  It just does not stay the same and for that I am grateful.  I faced something today in practice that is difficult to fully express into words.  I stayed with it, faced the mind stuff and have a sense of coming right up it.   I figure if I don’t go right up to it, I will never get through it and so I get to the edge, embrace the practice and its teachings and then life off the mat seems so much easier.    This  perhaps is the lesson.