All posts by YogaDeb

About YogaDeb

Yoga found me over 10 years ago. I practice, I teach, I'm a mom, a partner, business owner and have a career. The only way to do all that I do is to have a strong practice and have a time that I can connect with the God within. My faith waivers but through practice I stay true to the path, to trust that there is something bigger than all of us pulling us together and drawing us apart. Grateful for what is and trusting that I am right where I am supposed to be right now.

The Monkey Mind

I tried, I really did try to keep focused and practice today. I had a nice spot in the middle of the room and as I started to practice I noticed my mind wandering. I continued to bring it back to my breath and then I remembered to use the drishti, but my drishti keep going. I was not steady today. I even had weird thoughts like I wonder if he would notice if I stopped after Navasana? What if I just rolled up my mat right now? Then I had this conversation in my head that Sharath and I would have. So you see crazy monkey mind? I figured stopping at Navasanna was not an option for me anyway. It probably would only be to get his attention. Maybe that’s what students do? “Hey _______ , I’m going to stop after Navasana . . .” and the conversation continues just so the student can get to talk to the teacher. Could be?

I decided to continue to try to focus.   I remember that the breath could help and although in the asana I could stop and focus and breathe, it was in the transitions that my mind took over. Supta was done properly (which means it felt just right) and then there I am hanging out in Bakasana. So there I am with my “Bakasana looking good” . . . BUT you don’t hold it there! Again I’m thinking jump back or no, step or go.   I’m hanging out for a breath or two or three too long . . . thinking. Long enough to get noticed. It’s important to be efficient here. I take time in backbends, too much time, so the rest has to be efficient. I’m trying.

So the mind continues to try and take over the practice and getting to backbends, I get to meet Sharath. My breath is not that great at this point. I do my three drop backs and he jumps off the stage. I’m sensing a system as assistants are mulling around. It’s actually in the timing maybe. He’s easy on me today and I do the walk, walk, walk with my hands and they don’t go too far toward my feet until I’m up.   It’s fun. I’m excited to keep doing the work and I’m up for that. I have heard that before in things I have set out to do. “Are you are up for that?” The mind has to help get you here and the breath will lead you to the tools to bring you to yoga.

Tomorrow is Led. I am not overly excited it’s led for the possibility of not getting a spot or better yet being in some far off corner, which may not even be in the main Shala. Therefore, with no expectations I will take what I get. I will take action, however, and try to get in just like everyone else.  When I face challenges, I’ll just remember to breathe before I take each action and smile when I gently move a mat or two to make a space for my mat.

Happy Moon Day!

Don't take my picture!
Don’t take my picture!

 

Been Here Before

I’m  glad that I’ve been here before.  When you have been somewhere before there is a level of fear that just goes away, disappears and it’s like you’ve never been fearful before.   I mean when you get to India and you don’t have the right address of where you are staying, you could start to panic.  Picture this, you’ve traveled for days, you ate so you aren’t hungry but you’re tired, not only are you tired, but you LOOK tired and just want to unpack but since you have the wrong address you . . . have a coconut.

Good thing I paused and had a coconut as I saw a friend come out of the Shala.  There are  lots of people coming out after practice but I call out his name and we chat. I tell him my story (at this point I just figured my driver was not all there and that I had a good address) He helps with internet access.  Long story short, I was around the corner from where I needed to be.   It’s a combination of not being fearful, having some trust in some people (Mahesh watched my bags – I took the rupees out), and being able to pause and stay in the moment.  To pause, to think and to breathe.

I spent some time settling in after this, which also means to pause.  Lots of things are different so you have to take your time, think and figure things out from light switches to locks to heating the water for the shower which seemed pretty important to me.  Communication is not always easy but everyone smiles and somehow you start to understand each other with gestures.  They are speaking their language and you are speaking your own, in sometimes a louder tone than normal, like they may understand you better.

The registration was uneventful which is good.  Sharath is busy with a big line forming and I’m glad he sees me here, takes my fee and gives me my start times.  I’ve been here before so I’ve got everything ready.  Checked my list and checked it twice.  I’ve been here before and it’s all pretty familiar.

Led class is at 6 am and now “Shala Time” is 15 minutes before the actual time (last time it was 20 but I can handle this).    I’ve never been able to figure out how to get into the room before the rush so of course there is no obvious spot.  So I pause, but not too long, and because I know the drill, I know that there is very little space between mats during the led class.   I see these mats in a row with some luxury space around them and make a move to “create” a space for my mat.  It would have been done anyway and I got a nice spot near the alter on the far side of the Shala.  So for now I avoided the changing room and the stage but I’ve got a few weeks left.  Once my arms went up for the first sun salutation, I had a sense of ease around the practice that’s been missing.  I held the counts and focused on breathing.  It was fun!

Today for practice you get called into the room and there is absolutely no reason to worry, everyone will get to practice.  I feel pretty relaxed about this BUT you can’t choose a spot, it’s chosen for you as people finish you become the “One More”.    So I’m the one more and he doesn’t ask for my card and I get to start my practice.  My only wish is that I feel good and that I continue to work on having some ease with the practice.   The pause I felt in the practice was in between the breaths and this makes practice just delightful.  I keep going and keep breathing and I take my time and get to the end feeling grateful. Grateful that I am able to move with ease, that I can hear my breath and that my breath is giving new energy and life to my practice . . . just for today.

My apt in Mysore-2nd floor
My apt in Mysore-2nd floor

Thanksgiving & Practice

I’m happy that Thanksgiving gives me an opportunity to stop and be reminded to be thankful.   I can say that I am grateful and thankful, but to tell you the truth sometimes it’s just not the first thing you think about when things may not be going your way or, I’ll just say it, as expected.   It’s a process of letting go of the outcome and how you think it’s supposed to be. I’ve been taking action these days, preparing for positive things and setting the stage. That action that I’ve been taking feels like it’s got this cool ripple effect and it’s bringing about change and something very powerful.

I’m really impressed on how the practice is working in the lives of many people that have been coming to AYM. The beauty of fellowship and caring that I have seen and felt among the practitioners of all levels is impressive especially this week being Thanksgiving and holiday time.   Many of the practitioners seem to be in it together. They don’t know each other deeply . . . yet . . . but they are in it together. When you call it fellowship I sort of think that it’s so much more than that. The oneness that is experienced in the room of people breathing and practicing is more than fellowship. Each person feels a sense of gratitude for coming to the practice. They want to be there, they want to practice and they want to be part of something bigger than themselves. I’m so grateful to have these students come and share their energy with others. I believe it’s that energy that is lifting some people up. We don’t know what is going on in each others lives for the most part but whatever each is doing, I am thankful that this practice has an enabling effect, has a grounding effect, gives confidence and has the ability to radiate out something powerful to ourselves and back out to each other and in our relationships.

It’s funny when you have love to share, you see more and more clearly, the love, compassion and kindness everywhere around you. What a great mirror!

P.S.  By the way I’m thankful for my three beautiful grown sons, my family-immediate and extended, my friends both old and new (meaning old in length of time, not age :)), my dogs who show me unconditional love and love me the most, my path that has led me to share the practice, my teachers C-Ray and Timji for some most recent discoveries and for this time getting to learn from Sharath and you know the list just goes on and on right now.

Namaste!

Anniversary of my birth

I feel loved today and for that I am so thankful and very blessed.  I have to say that I don’t have many expectations these days on the anniversary of my birth however today I was very happy, genuinely happy as to the direction of my life.  I get up pretty early and it’s a regular schedule but for some reason there is a spring in my step and I feel peaceful. I go to meet the vegetable delivery guy, Bob, and he blurts out “Happy Birthday”.  I’m a little stunned but I like it.   It’s a fun and easy exchange to start me on my day.

The studio is gearing up as always with Hillary setting the stage.  She rocks the intermediate series like no other and continues to try new things.  I enjoy watching her progress as well being inspired by her practice. She sets the pace every morning for sure.   The students at AYM totally inspire and amaze me.   After the chant they all blurt out a round of Happy Birthday!  Crazy but fun.  Ganesh is wearing a party hat and there is a sign on the board with the word LOVE in it and there are cards, gift bags and a new coffee mug.  And it’s just 6 am!

Every smile and exchange that I had today was so pleasant. I think when you are happy, open and receiving people feel it and something taps into them to make them feel good as well.  The yoga brings us all together in the rooms but seriously this is not an easy practice.  There are physical demands, mental demands and then there are those judgements you just have to leave at the door.   The self doubt, the comparisons and the questioning.  Oh yeah and don’t forget about FEAR.

Today was different and I felt different.  At I mentioned before, I felt peaceful but it was more of feeling at ease.  Learning not to rush, not to have the continual worry mind chatter and to stay in the present was the key for me today.   As I look back on the two sessions that I taught and the exchanges throughout the day I felt present.  As a teacher there are a lot of demands in the room.  Even if some of them are self imposed by yours truly they are there and this can cause stress.  But today I practiced yoga and for that I am grateful.  It was honest and there was a “union” or a coming together that I noticed in my actions and my mind and when I needed to, I paused.

I continue to trust that I am exactly were I am supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason.  The faith for some reason just keeps getting stronger and I finally feel wiser today.  Who knows about tomorrow but every day I step on the mat I step there with new eyes so that I can learn something new about the essence of myself.   Trying to let go, to drop the rope and to breathe.  I encourage people to do the same.

So we have heard the saying, ‘the Universe is testing me” and I guess I use this a lot.  Zach wrote on his card, “The Universe may be testing you but I think you are going to pass with flying colors”.  I am proud of the people around me, from my boys, my family – mom, dad, step mom, sis .  . . , to my students, my special apprentice, my old friends and new friends to the random people I come into contact with.  Thank you all for the beautiful thoughts, birthday posts, text messages, calls, birthday cards and sweet gifts.  The gift of your presence was all I needed and I got so much more.  Feeling overwhelmed but for the first time not crazy emotional and taking it all it as I need to.  I feel well FED for a wonderful year ahead.

Namaste all!

Deb

 

 

The Hump

There is a little personal stumbling block in the Intermediate series and it just so happens that todays training session started with it.  It is a series of poses were a lot of people come up against a lot of challenges.  I have been doing this pose for a very long time and although I make progress I quickly digress and then I’m back to feeling like it will never happen and physically not feeling so great which makes it difficult to persevere.  This in Tim’s words is something like not practicing with the appropriate amount of effort.  Too much the wrong way causes pain in the physical body. For me it sort of is going back to down dog.  Anyway not to get specific as it’s not that important.  The best part is that my attitude is changing.

Today I assisted, practiced and then had the training.  If it sounds like a long day, it is, and physically I did not think I could do another thing let alone a stumbling block asana.  As we got closer to the end of the session with about an hour left I was sure we would not be doing another asana.  Well I was hoping . . . however I was mistaken.  In part of these hump poses in the intermediate series is something I have always struggled with and I never felt like I could move or make any progress.  So a few people did a demo, we learned the proper vinyasa count and then he always asks for someone who may have challenges to come up and demonstrate.  Keep in mind that everyone who gets up really does not look like they have much of an issue or any trouble at all to me.   In any event I could learn something or help someone else so I am going to take that chance and go up to the front.  Well I do it and get some feedback and move a little.  I do it again with an instruction from Tim, move a little more.  It was pretty bad and I have a lot of work but I learned something.

What I am learning is that we have to struggle to get to the other side.  For some it will take longer than others.  Even though I have been at this for a while there are other things that change and then some things stay the same be mostly the good things get better if you let it especially when you can approach things with a new set of eyes or feelers.  I started to sort of give up and but with these new sensations and a new attitude I am looking forward to approaching it all on the mat tomorrow.  Besides at the end of the session one of my fellow trainees thought that my approach was “cute”.   Not a compliment but as Tim says when we go up to the front to demo, “We take one for the team”.  Onwards . . .

IMG_0534

Devotion

When we started to talk about the heart chakra I knew I may get emotional.   I was pretty sure it was going to get deep, intense and powerful.   At this point with the practice I am open and ready and want to keep going deeper so come what may I’m listening.  I came here to get direct knowledge from Tim Miller who every days comes to spend the day with us from 6 am to pretty much 6 pm and if he is teaching a class after our normal session then it’s till 7 or 7:30 pm.  He puts in the hours with us and is showing a lot of love to us all.  He’s so amazing at this and it all comes so natural to him.  He temperament is calm, loving, patient and he is full of the knowledge and he shares stories with us openly holding nothing back it seems.

Tim enjoys discussing Vedic astrology with us and since Friday is linked with the planet Venus it is a day of Bhakti and Devotion.  By now we know what this means as the harmonium is situated to be used so we are going to get to do some chanting together.    The heart chakra is called the Anahata chakra and this means unstruck wheel.  I looked this up to see if I could find a good translation of this and found it in a yoga journal article as follows, “unstruck or unhurt.  Its name implies that deep beneath our personal stories of brokenness and the pain in our heart, wholeness, boundless love , and a wellspring of compassion reside.”

We had just come through a good hour going over kapotasana so we have all been tapping into this center.  It was like we were so ripe for the discussion when we returned from a break.  We all tried to open he heart.   As we went on to discuss the heart charka as an energy body Tim said that although we would like to open the heart it cannot be done by force.   So how does one open the heart?  We all sat thinking and said things like grace, gratitude, devotion and compassion is what we are looking to cultivate deeply.   Gratitude helps to develop grace and gratitude cultivates devotion.  The chant we do everyday puts us in reminder of that.

Tim’s life must have gone in a whole new direction the day he found the practice or the practice found him.   When he talks about Pattabhi Jois, his eyes are bright and full of love and full of gratitude.    It’s amazing and beautiful to experience.  He talks about the first days when his teachers in California told him that Guruji was coming for three months to teach that first time 1975.  When I experience Tim’s teaching I fell like he is the embodiment of Guruji and the closest I can come to the source.  What struck the heart chakra today was when Tim spoke of Guruji and how it was possible to do what he did for so long.   He spoke of how he loved to teach the students and how teaching was what he lived for.   It was when he could no longer teach that he could not last much longer in his body and passed.   As Tim said, it’s that divine love and devotion that is the ojas (vigor or fluid of life) and the long burning fuel for the practice.   Guruji’s devotion was the long burning fuel for teachning.

Tim & Deb Friday 1st week

 

 

Reflections on being a Student

Today started my first day of practice at the Ashtanga Yoga Center with Tim Miller. The morning actually started with a round of pranayama and we were given a choice to do it as they have been doing or an easier version of the sequence. Since many of us are guests for two weeks and we officially start our training at noon, we went with the standard, experienced, hard core version. It certainly is quite an experience to practice this with one of the masters of pranayama as Tim learned this from Guruji many years ago. I am over the fact that I could die holding my breath and have ways to take whatever breath I need to continue but it was really hard. I will pay attention these next days with Tim and this is something I am going to practice. Feels good, feels right and puts my body at ease.

Speaking of ease, I made a conscious decision that I was not going to hold myself so tight today and create more stress in my body. I was here to experience the teachings here and not to judge myself. These days it seems that every day I step on the mat I have some stress that does not seemed to be relieved by practice. I feel like I make it worse by stressing over the fact that I cannot relax certain areas of my body. I have rushed practices, early practices and then practices when I would rather be having a nice lunch or nap. Not easy with all this mind stuff going on, so these next two weeks I get to be a student and to focus on going within and to try to practice some yoga. How great is that? When I was at AYNY this past January, I said to Eddie that it is great to teach and to be sharing the teachings, great to practice but the best life is that of the student. He could not agree more.

I practiced primary series today and something happened. I relaxed, I breathed and I stayed with my drishti a lot of the time, (the guy doing third was pretty awesome to watch however). The room at AYC is really cool and we line up facing each other. The room is pretty with nice light and I felt comfortable there and at home strangely enough. Being a practitioner for a long time and knowing the proper vinyasa helps so much even though many practitioners are doing their research poses, I did not get distracted by it. Tim and Natasha work the room and true to form and like I always say you always, always get what you need in the Mysore room. Tim’s adjustment in a standing asana was well received and so right on and then Natasha’s adjustment in Marichasana C was again so much of what I needed. My breath was erratic in the twist and she helped me to calm the breath so that I could relax into the asana. She stayed with me for a while so I could feel the relaxing of my body in the asana and then she took me deeper.

Back bending being my obsession and even thought they are hard for me I have been enjoying the process. I did them in my normal fashion and then Tim came over after observing them, we did the drop backs. I paused and he said “to the head” and my head touched the mat. It was the easiest time I have every had with this and I stayed in my legs and on the final I danced my hands in and he sort of let me find the balance there. He helped me to find the space with his adjustment and when I came up I said, ” I see”.

The forward bend reminded of me when I cried some time ago but I did not this time. I thoroughly enjoyed Natasha’s massage like quality and I was very serene and calm. I finished and as I walked down the stairs to my car, I knew I was right were I was supposed to be. I am so very grateful for that and for feeling that every decision I made to come here, committing to this training was going with the flow of my life.

Tim Hannuman Chalisa

The Seasoned Ashtanga Teacher

There are many qualified teachers in the Ashtanga system and I happened to find myself in the company of Boulder’s finest.  Here is what the website says about them, “Located in the heart of downtown Boulder, the Yoga Workshop, which was established in 1987, is the one of the oldest and most well established Ashtanga yoga studios in the United States.”  I also thought I saw something about it being unassuming and welcoming and so peaceful but perhaps that is my spin on it.

Being from the East Coast I certainly had to adapt.  Anyone who has taken a class with Richard or studied with him can understand the concept.    I tried to soften enough to fit in, slow it down, enjoy the time there and my practice.  Although Richard was not present you could certainly feel his prescence.    The first time I met Richard I was so excited to practice.  Little did I know what I would be in for.  On the first inhale I was out of breath long before him and I realized then that he would be different and that his focus was different.  At the time, I did not have the patience nor the experience with the practice as I bring today.    So looking back I have to laugh at my immature thoughts of what he was trying to teach us.   I knew little of bandhas and breath in the beginning and had enough strength to “just do it” if you know what I mean.

Since my first meeting with Richard,  I have attended workshops and classes and have worked to understand his teachings and methods.  Putting them into practice is not easy.  Things are different but things are the same.  I know the sequence, I teach the sequence, I’m working on what I need to work on and meeting myself there.  So in this room of practitioners who float, fly and bend (well some anyway), there are also those who are new to the practice, new to the system, stiff and unable to bind, bend or balance.  They used the wall, props and had really little assistance to “get into” the asanas.  They came to practice what they need to work on and seemed to be meeting themselves there.

I’m grateful to be able to find places to practice the method like the original in Boulder and to also be a holder of a space, a shala, a studio in Montclair, NJ where people can come and meet themselves on the mat and am honored to be holding the space for them to do just that.  I love being a student of the system always and passing on the knowledge that I learn from being a student.

Hills and Valleys

The hills and valleys of the practice.  Do you know them?  Can you sort of feel where you are?  I remember when I was biking through the hills of Tuscany some time ago.   It was a really cool trip and I there were these rides that we would set out to do everyday.   We did not know the routes and they were different every day but you knew there would be hills to climb.  I don’t want to get into that here but I was thinking about Ashtanga and the journey it takes, those hills and then being in the valley or just going straight and riding along sort of enjoying the scenery.

This Ashtanga journey, or lets say ride for fun, is different for everyone and then again there is a lot that we all can relate to.  Right now for me practice is exciting.  I figured out how to breathe better (thank you netti pot) and I feel ready.  I feel ready to sort of see where it goes without expectation nor fear.  You see I have these spots in the practice that I would like to gloss over and those spots I come up every day and I am trying to figure out how to get the fearing out of it.  So attention to my breath and the asana that I am on, in other words, staying in the present, seems to be working for me.  Oh yes and being mindful of my drishi and for me I have to M.Y.O.B  This last thing is pretty helpful as well. These days I’m feeling an ease with the practice and a certain ease with the spots in the practice, those asanas, that I thought I could do without.  They are becoming my sweet spots in practice, they are becoming my friend.

I know the valley very well too and the times when you are tired and you can’t breathe any better and you can’t do any better and you just want to feel better and more at ease with it, with practice, with life even.  I’ve been frustrated, annoyed and angry with practice, with circumstances, with myself and others.  It is not easy.  It is not easy to stay with something and ride it out especially something that you could say I’ll do it tomorrow or maybe I just won’t even do this anymore and then the mind starts this justification process.  The mind is pretty powerful and will convince you that what you are thinking is right!  What’s is all for anyway? I am not going to go into the standard things we tell ourselves, that’s been written before and is nothing new.   What I love about this and practice is that you can relate this to other things happening on your life journey.

I see people in the valley and I see people at the top and all in between. Just like life we have to ride this out.  For me the answer is in getting on the mat and feel where you are, experience where you are and accept where you are, the circumstances . . . everything.  Acceptance is the key as without this you cannot move beyond anything and that’s when we get stuck.  So for now, know that for every uphill ride we make there is a downhill and go slowly on the downhill, pay attention and enjoy the ride for:

“Chi va piano va sano e va lontano” . . . (that’s italian for “one who goes slowly, goes healthy and surely over a long time” – anyway that’s my translation for it)

 

 

 

 

 

Embracing Ashtanga Yoga

I’ve been feeling very grateful these days and I am starting to feel what it may mean to fully embrace Ashtanga yoga.   For one thing it does not seem to be so easy, but surely this is worth every effort.  I raised my kids while I tiptoed on the path, diving in at times and then feeling that I could only do what I could do, pulling back just enough to make it right.  It was a delicate balance back then and this was before I knew about the layers I would start to peel away.  What would it mean to “embrace Ashtanga”?  To put it simply, it’s getting on the mat, doing your practice and letting go.  It means learning very day when you are on the mat and off the mat.  It means facing the difficulties in the practice in a way that this yoga is teaching me to do and then bringing it into your life.

These days I have become aware of what is possible with what I’ve got and to also find ways to change and grow.  Embracing Ashtanga is to be patient with oneself, to be persistent in what you want to do, not be be hard on yourself and to bring your best self to the mat every day.   It is a practice that does not lie to you and surely there are no shortcuts.    There is a community that is more like family these days and a built in oneness among practioners.

Today I came up against what I could do and what I wanted to do.  I worked very hard to stay in the present and stay with the breath.  I would like to skip those things that are difficult and cause me to stumble.  I also know that it is through the stumbling that I can continue to grow and continue to embrace the practice.  I love the poses and there are days when I love going to the edge.   It is that edge that can keep moving as you grow.  It just does not stay the same and for that I am grateful.  I faced something today in practice that is difficult to fully express into words.  I stayed with it, faced the mind stuff and have a sense of coming right up it.   I figure if I don’t go right up to it, I will never get through it and so I get to the edge, embrace the practice and its teachings and then life off the mat seems so much easier.    This  perhaps is the lesson.